Letters to God (Self)

It is clear to me that my thoughts are scattered like blossoms fallen from a tree
all over the ground encompassing my trunk of knowledge and power
surrounding my intuition to let you go but still I love you so
and why I do not know
I thought this time passed so that eventually I'd be able to forgive my past
my Self for loving so cruel a girl undeserving of love
way back then
and now the sex is so much better when we love and there is no hate in between my legs
her mouth is heaven compared to yours at least she can hit the spot that I need
unlike you, the pleasure was all yours,
I was the one being penetrated by your ambivalence towards women
it is clear to me that my thoughts are nebulous
beset by difficulties of the heart and mind
We trudge in murky oceans searching
for peace.

I thought with my wings I could fly but I am hesitating to jump
my fear is to fall
plunge back into a bacteria
a cancer and hell
I can't speak to you anymore. I thought I was ready to face my demons.
It's been less than two years with no break in between.
You are a reflection of myself.
A self hating little girl that never learned her lessons.
I refuse to be that tiny girl that fights for more violence.
Now, at least, I can stand on two feet instead of two knees begging
I've still got a long way to go
I can barely see the horizon, I must be so low.