conversations with myself

DULCE!!!! I know you like to play games but she doesn't want you around. You are too flirtatious, wtf tryna act like your single YOURE NOT!!! Mannipulative bitch. Stop fucking playing the femme role, you know thats not you...i mean ME!! Stop fucking getting naked in public!!!!!!
>>>ohhhhhhh [heehee] you mean pictures for the whole world to see????
Yes, that's what I mean.
>>>[heehee] that's just fun and games, people are toys. Easy to manuver. Roll over, play dead for me [hehehehehee] It's the easiest game to play as a lady. femme role? Please!!! LOL I AM YOU! And I'm getting everything we need. Watch me.

http://mynameislibre.tumblr.com/post/2658947510/everyone-has-an-alter-ego-and-this-is-mine-her

God,

I'm trying to do better. Everyday is a new day to be a truer Self to me. And today I haven't moved but I know I should so I promise that I will go for a walk and eat regularly and soothe my throat with lots of tea and honey and lemon.

Total sum of all my piercings and tattoos

anchor [complete]left forearm
"truth" [complete]right forearm
honeybee "4 you" [incomplete] right forearm
angel wings [started]back
series of unfortunate events house (with tweaks)[not yet] right thigh
text from one of the books [not yet]right thigh
lines from my poetry [not yet] right arm
"pa que quiero pies si tengo alas pa volar" [not yet]back
white lace garder [not yet]left thigh
music notes [not yet] underside of left breast
"vive" and stitches over my heart [not yet] above left breast
heart shape over my nipple [not yet]left nipple
hamsa eye [not yet] left hand
something I haven't found yet for Lizzy and Susy

septum [not yet], nostril [not yet], left ear rook [not yet], ears [yes] , cartilage [not yet], nipple [coming soon], belly button [yes]

Don't you miss me baby?
pretty lady don't you miss me?
You wanna kiss me through the screen oh baby
I wanna kiss your cheeky apple bottom tush oh baby so good
youre a picky candy eater but I'll give you homemade sweets
oh baby
missy sexy muchachita es tan linda, lickable if you ask me
dont you miss me? honey skin dew in between those thighs oh yes I do
those skies in your eyez, so pretty when you orgasm
it's like the sun is setting on their horizons
Your sugar dripping down carmalized skin, oh baby
oh baby.
Lollypop that I can lick and suck, oh baby
come kiss and fuck, you wanna kiss me through the screen
I see your lips are anticipating
this kiss through electric wiring oh baby oh baby
I wanna kiss your mouth like a fruit,
wrap my tongue against your flesh and sweet tush oh baby so good
oh baby, this tastes so good.

My hands are tied behind my back. Yes, as a child growing up my hands were tied. I sat in my room and stared at the walls and yes, they stared back. I drew their faces screaming at me. Self-loathe self hatred self desctruction in plain vision. As a child, my mother's hands were suffocating, intoxicating. I was imprisoned by self hating thoughts from my mother. She showed me to never trust in another, because it was all a lie, she said. Debes ser desconfianda. You should be untrusting of people. Don't even trust your own. And so my sisters and I grew up bathing in her insults, her oppression, self hating blood. A stain so deep in runs through generations.



I sat in the old folk's home today next to my grandmother's wheelchair where she was laying down, sedated and dreaming of difficult things. I was surrounded by 4 generations of family, all blood related dealing with the same issues all pasted down from my grandmother. My father's real mother. This cranky, grouchy , mean-spirited, rude woman who is my grandmother. Her epilepsy has been acting out recently, her medication isn't helping. She lays in the wheelchair with her feet up surrounded by stuffed animals like a child, a lepard print blanket. Her face twisted with unsettling dreams as eleven of us whispered Happy Birthday, Mama Fina into her ear.

And I watch her face, and so I watch her sleep and I look at the pictures on her wall. The pictures of her family she gathered together in her 82 years on Earth. I didn't even know this woman. And I was the only grandchild missing from the pictures on her wall. I think about who she was before she became a mother, before she became a married woman, and when she was my age. Was she always the rude and mean-spirited grandmother that I knew? Could she have been someone different?
I wonder what she dreamt.